What can I say about Krakow? I can say it is fucking awesome. I can say that my liver will probably never fully recover. I can say that Mosquito Hostel gave me one of the best times of my life. I can definitely say the city is gorgeous. I can say a lot of things about Krakow.
My first afternoon wasn’t actually too exciting. I met some people and went to the Schindler’s Factory Museum. The museum really has nothing to do with Schindler. It’s a world war two museum, and only one room deals with him. I’m sorry to say but the people I was with were boring. They were the people you hang out with when backpacking out of necessity rather than actually really liking each other. And one of the guys read really slowly. I was reading every plaque, but was still ten minutes ahead. It’s not his fault, he was not a native English speaker, but it didn’t really make it less tiresome.
Luckily that night my friend luck turned around. I met the Dutch boys. They were fun, sweet, and a bit crazy. Mainly I spent my time mocking Dennis because his name was Dennis and he looked exactly like Dennis the Menace. We played Presidents and Assholes (a card game), and I was feeling tired and planned to spend the night in. The Dutch boys would not let that happen. Instead they pulled me into the free pub crawl. So I put on my slutty clubbing dress. If there is one thing that can give you energy it is feeling sexy. By the end of the night we were clubbing with the awesome pub crawl guides Patricia and Krzesimir. One Dutch guy and I would do the shopping cart dance together. We pick out things from the shelf, check our lists, argue on the phone, and slap the baby. Then I would go back to sexy dancing. It really confuses men in the club when you go between the two and I love to confuse. Dennis and I went to another club with Patricia and Krzesimir, but somehow the others were lost. We never could get to the bottom of what happened there.
The next day we went all together to Auschwitz. It was not what I expected. The first half is the first Auschwitz camp. It was not what the concentration camps look like in the movies, and it’s very small. You see the piles of hair, glasses, suitcases, and children’s shoes stacked up behind glass windows. The first half feels like a museum. They quickly bring you into the gas chamber that the Nazis first used when they were testing the gas chamber idea. Then you are bused over to Birkenau camp. That resembles what you imagine a concentration camp to look like. I found that half more moving because it felt less like a museum set up to show us, and more of just showing us the camps. We saw what was left of the destroyed gas chambers. The Nazis blew them up so they would not be evidence of their war crimes. We went into bunkers where they housed everyone, and we saw the washrooms and bathrooms that were added when too much disease was plaguing the camp. By the end of the day you were ready to go home. It is all an experience, but one you really only need to do once.
When we got back went out for a nice dinner at a classic Polish place down the road. The waiter was overly humorous and impatient with the indecisive boys. I got perogies filled with deer meat. They were amazing. I began complaining that the hostel didn’t have Cards Against Humanity in the large assortment of games it had. One of the Dutch boys then told me they did. I totally thought he was lying, so we made a deal. I would get to punch him in the balls if he wasn’t telling the truth. He agreed, but then the guys decided that he should get something if he was right. It was finally decided I would flash him if they did have the game. Honestly I was hoping to lose because I really love Cards Against Humanity. Let’s just say I lost. He got two seconds of flashing while he held the door closed so his friends couldn’t see.
That night was again filled with partying. We started the pub crawl at a shot bar. I started with a flaming B52 shot that you suck down with a straw. Then I asked the bartender to give me a blow job. It’s a shot that you do with no hands. Then I moved on to a Lucifer shot which the bartender warned me twice was very hot. It’s liquor, a ton of hot sauce, and a whole chili pepper you eat afterwards. I took it like a champ. Later I was looking for the bathroom and went upstairs where I figured it was. A few guys stood around and I asked them if they were waiting for the bathroom. No one replied so I went for the door handle. Then one guy gave me an evil look, pointed towards the stairs, and said, “DOWNSTAIRS!” He was an asshole. I go find the pub crawl guide Patricia and ask her were the bathroom is, and she tells me upstairs. I relate the incident to her and she goes and bitches this guy out. But in the end I get to use the bathroom and he gives me dagger eyes each time he sees me.
Next we went to karaoke where I belted my heart out. I also heard people singing Polish songs, and I learned that Polish girls drink beer with straws. Personally I think beer through a straw is weird, but hey whatever rocks your boat. Finally we were dragged away from the karaoke bar to go to the club and we spent another night dancing away. The next day the Dutch boys left, and I set out to make new friends.