How To Make An Ass Of Yourself In Santorini

Finally the point of my trip I had been quivering with antici…pation for had arrived. I began my flight to Santorini Greece to meet my boyfriend, Richard, for the five star hotel experience. Luckily I was able to make it there despite my quick layovers, and the fact that the Athens airport is idiotic. You go through passport control to get to your terminal, but it leads you to the exit, so you have to go out and enter through security again to get to your new terminal. Dumbass architect. I had already set up an airport pick up with my hotel, so upon arrival I found a friendly woman holding a sign with my name on it.

The view from our first of two private balconies. Did I mention they serve a champagne breakfast on them each morning at whatever time you want?

Soon I was at the hotel. Richard would be there in a couple of hours. I began to receive the best treatment of my life. They brought me cold water, gave me a tour of our suite, brought up my luggage, and brought me a fruit plate and complimentary bottle of wine. All was perfect, or so I thought. After the obligatory photo taking of how amazing the room was, and it was the most amazing sweet with the most fabulous views of the caldera, I began to feel like crap. My stomach began to start feeling terrible and I huddled on the bed texting Richard that all was not well. By the time Richard arrived I was on the toilet with a not so wonderful problem. And within the next hour it was coming out both ends. I felt like dying. That night I was in the bathroom every ten minutes, and the rest of the time passed out from dehydration on the bed. This was not the way I wanted to start my vacation. I was in the best hotel in Santorini, and I crapped the bed twice. Yeah, that sucked.

Not an all bad day.

By morning I was feeling slightly better, but not enough to enjoy more than dry toast of our champagne breakfast. We tried to walk the streets of Fira, but five minutes in I was like NOPE, not happening. We spent the rest of the day lying by the pool, and honestly that was kind of nice. By dinnertime I was feeling a lot better, so we decided to head to a nice restaurant. I even felt good enough to try a glass of wine. We started with delicious mussels that I gobbled up. Everything seemed to be going great. Then my rabbit dish came. I took a bite. The flavor was overpowering. My stomach started to protest. Okay, no rabbit. I decided to try a bite of the mushroom. Oh shit that flavor again. My stomach was not happy. I knew the bathroom was downstairs and very far away. I thought, “Just sit still and breath….Oh no! Oh shit!” And then I grabbed the bread basket and began hurling up everything into it. And then I hurled some more. And then some more. By the end not all of it had made it into the basket. Luckily the few other patrons nearby hadn’t noticed. Richard asked if I wanted to wrap the rabbit up and take it with us. I told him I’d rather die then ever look at it again. Richard waved down the waiters so we could pay and get the hell out of there. I left before he was done, but supposedly the waiters were terrified that the mussels or the food had done this to me. He had to reassure them that I hadn’t been well from the start. The sad part is that once you throw up you feel great. I didn’t want to go home because I felt fine again. We walked around Fira, and I mentally kicked myself for the massive ass I made of myself in the restaurant.

Dinner was so nice before the uncontrolled vomiting.

The next day I was well enough to adventure. We rented an ATV or four wheeler, and decided to explore the island that way. We rode along. Richard drove and I clung to him only momentarily terrified. Soon it became fun, and I was able to enjoy the views of the island once we were out of the town. We passed pebble beaches, and tiny restaurants. Finally we made it to Amoudi Bay. I had heard there was cliff diving there. I wanted to jump off rocks into the water like I had done in Dubrovnik. Alas there was no cliff diving to be found. I was super pissed off. Another day on a boat we saw people doing it. It was somehow around from the bay in a hidden spot that we had no idea how to get to. Instead we had baklava in a cute little restaurant looking out over the bay. Then we walked up the tortuous hill back to our ATV. We went to Oia in search of an ATM, and I swear there are only two in town and they are right next to each other hidden in the bus lot. So many shops and it’s almost impossible to find money to use in them. We got back on our sexy red ATV and headed for a pebble beach we had passed on the way. There we payed a nice lady ten euros for beach chairs for the day. I learned that she wanted to go to NYC and be a theater director. We began talking about my playwriting and NYC and she gave us a bottle of water for free. We rested on our chairs, but it was a bit chilly. Richard tried to swim, but with having to walk on the rocks he mainly ended up looking like a drunk man falling all over the place. I love you Richard. After we had had enough sun we decided to return the ATV and get back to our hotel.

Lounging it up at the beach.

Once back we made dinner reservations for a late dinner. My stomach was feeling funny, but I didn’t want to spend the night in. I just kept praying I wouldn’t puke on another table. When we entered the restaurant I had already told Richard that maybe we could just get an appetizer. Inside the smell was overpowering and I was already regretting going out. Luckily we got a seat on the edge where the breeze took away the seafood smell. We ordered bread and an octopus appetizer. By the time the food came I didn’t feel great. I nibbled on the bread and Richard ate the octopus. The waitress was not happy when we decided to just get the bill. Back at the hotel I ate another meal of toast and banana. Basically the first half of the trip I had them send me up toast and banana at all hours. They always did right away, and in the end they never even charged us for any of it. This is how nice the hotel was. I have never had customer service to that extent in my life. There are only four suites, so they know your schedule, and plan when to clean the room around you 9and they clean it twice a day). You come back at night and a good night sign is on the bed, and all the lights are turned on for you. If you sit by the pool ice water is run out to you instantly by the ever sweet and happy bellboy. If you call down they greet you by name on the phone and know exactly the plans and reservations that were made for you that day. Richard and I joked that if we asked them to kill someone for us that they would probably do it. That night we went to sleep with plans of ATVing the day away the next day. Oh were we in for a surprise. Check back for my next blog to see what happened.

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